We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
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[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”