“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
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I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.