Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
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Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.