WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
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The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
see you in hell you stupid fruit
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word