Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
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my first day as a raccoon
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.