I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
You Might Also Like
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.