i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
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Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
When I snag the last meatball.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.