Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
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Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”