Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
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[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
britain’s three elite institutions
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!