Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
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Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
asking santa clause for nudes
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.