The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
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*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.