You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
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9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Hmmmmm
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!