When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
You Might Also Like
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.