I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
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Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.