i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
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I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met