“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
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lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
the rocks need my help
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?