Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
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Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I cannot call her anything else now
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.