me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
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Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
new shirt idea
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.