I’m giving up ice.
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Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.