People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
You Might Also Like
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets