It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
The three genders
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again