If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
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I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
I just tested negative for patience.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer