knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
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Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
The Birdles
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.