My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
You Might Also Like
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?