WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
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The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.