There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
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What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
I hope it’s French Onion!
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.