If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
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My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.