Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
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Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago