Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
You Might Also Like
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I’m Sold!
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction