Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
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Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Life is a suicide mission.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that