If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
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Cow it started Cow it’s going
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Stonehinge
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.