(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
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For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
The news in a nutshell.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?