I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
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Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*