Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
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My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
blocked.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro