The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
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I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented