*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
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[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser