My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
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Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*