Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
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My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
For when Tinder doesn’t work
You’re the water to my grease fire.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on