4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
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Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Jesus steals the winter solstice
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught