Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
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Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
*3.5 thank you very much.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.