My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
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[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.