*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
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I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
me after drinking all the wine:
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.