Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
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pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it