Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
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Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
fr
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?