I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
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Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
i made a craigslist ad !
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi