A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
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I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened