All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
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if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Natty or not?
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.