Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
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I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
I just tested negative for patience.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.