Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
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7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*