As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
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Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on